Dear friends,
For those of you who are rightly concerned about the 'foot and mouth'
epidemeic in Britain, please put your worries aside, a solution is at hand.
Our politicains have finally found the answer.
'EVERYONE' TO BE SLAUGHTERED
In a precautionary measure the Government has decided that in order to
safeguard the future of British farming, everyone in the United Kingdom
should be destroyed.
This policy was agreed by the Prime Minister late last night at a secret
policy meeting in Gloucester in front of 500 angry farmers bearing lit
torches and waving pitchforks. It was explained to the PM that, far from
being their own fault, as simple country-dwelling folk, they could not be
expected to deal with "citified new-fangled nonsense" such as insurance" and
"vaccinations". Poverty-stricken farmer Derek Gadd of Oswestry, speaking to
us by satellite link from his luxury yacht, currently moored in the
Adriatic, said that if this crisis continued he would soon be down to his
last three million in the bank, and he demanded that the taxpayer "bail me
out immediately".
Mr Blair has concluded that the only sure-fire way of protecting farmers is
to ensure that "all living things" within a hundred mile radius of the
British coast line are "immediately exterminated". The army and police have
been called in, and the slaughter of men, women and children is due to begin
at midnight. It is expected that
within days, mass burning of villages will commence, with all people in
Cheshire due for destruction a week on Tuesday.
Television companies are reported to be "overjoyed" at this news. Channel 4
is already planning a themed game show "Big Barbecue" where the public will
ring in and vote on which part of the country is to be incinerated first,
and ITV will be showing 24 hour coverage, hosted by Trevor McDonald and Des
Lynam, who will be ceremonially torched at the conclusion of the operation.
Farming expert Dr Hugo Z. Hackenbush commented that these measures were "a
proportionate and measured response to the crisis - the Government's
proposal is entirely understandable, I fully support them," he said as he
booked his flight to New Zealand. It is expected that within two weeks of
this policy being carried out foot
and mouth disease will entirely eradicated from the United Kingdom. The
Prime Minister's Press Secretary said that the plan was unlikely to affect
the date of the General Election.
"The problem with the gene pool for politicians is that there is no
lifeguard on duty."
(unknown author)
Best wishes and have a happy Easter
Tim
.
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